Wednesday, 18 June 2014

A Ridiculous Story Competition ~ Third Place Winner



Third prize goes to this amusing tale from Sarah Williams:


(It may just have a familiar feel!)





“Ridiculous” Short Story Competition
She did not need a looking glass to know she must look a fright.  But really, she didn’t believe anyone could look their best after taking a tumble down a rabbit hole. 
She crawled to the brink, clawed her way over the edge, clambered to her feet and brushed herself down. 
Actually, now she thought about it, most of the damage had been done not by the fall down the hole in the ground, but by climbing back up.  She felt fairly certain, for example, that her hair had not been quite so disarranged until a root had caught in it as she ascended back to ground level. 
It really was such a jolly silly place to leave a large, unprotected rabbit hole.  There were no warning signs, no railings, it was simply an open-mouthed invitation to an accident.
Still, she’d been lucky, there was no real harm done, just a few scrapes and bruises.  Admittedly, her dress was rather stained and muddy, but it was such a beautiful day that she found herself unable to worry too much about that when the bees were droning lazily in the sunshine.
Listening harder, she realised the noise really came from her sister, who continued to read aloud from the deathly dull book she’d chosen to amuse them that afternoon.
Amy shrugged, straightened her apron and moved away from the sound of her sister’s voice.  She was sure Dinah would have done the same; unlike Amy’s older sibling, Dinah had very high standards of entertainment and was most selective in the company she chose to keep. 
It suddenly seemed terribly important to Amy that she find Dinah.  She looked around and tried to decide which direction a cat who liked hunting was most likely to have chosen. 
The main choices seemed to be either towards the lake, or into the woods.  As Dinah wasn’t a cat who generally liked having damp paws, Amy opted to head wood-wards. 
At first Amy was very pleased with her choice.  In fact she congratulated herself (and Dinah) on the decision.  It really was a rather hot day out in the sunshine, it had made her head ache somewhat, so the cool shade of the trees was most welcome.
Gradually, however, she realised there was a different kind of heat as she went deeper into the trees.  Although the sun was no longer beating down on her bare head, there was a damp mugginess which at times felt almost stifling and which made her head throb.
Also, she was still feeling rather wary about where she put her feet, she really didn’t want to fall into another rabbit hole, it had been enough of a struggle escaping the first.  But the undergrowth made it difficult to see where to tread safely.  And the low branches meant she had to be equally cautious about what she might walk into if she watched her feet too carefully.
All in all, after a while, Amy began to regret her decision to enter the woods.  She now felt sure Dinah had decided to cool her paws in the shallow water at the edge of the lake after all.
Turning quickly so as to try and re-trace her steps, Amy felt something brush against her cheek.  Her hand automatically sprang into action to wipe the thing away.
“Oi!” shouted a voice, “Mind what you’re doing, you could injure a body doing that!”
Amy lowered her hand as her eyes sought the owner of the voice.  Seeing him, she blinked.
“I – I think I might have met your cousin recently,” she said.  “Would he happen to live in a rabbit hole, perhaps?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, caterpillars don’t live in rabbit holes,” exclaimed the bright green caterpillar.
“Well,” mused Amy, “it really was a very big rabbit hole if that helps?”
“It doesn’t.  We’re creatures of the air, not the underground,” was the tetchy retort.
Amy considered.
“Actually, I’d never realised you were creatures of the air,” she began tentatively, “but I can see you are now.”
Indeed, her new friend was spinning from a thread which hung down from a tree branch. 
“Well some of us are, some of us aren’t” the green caterpillar pirouetted on his silk.  “But none of us lives in holes, however big they may be.”
Amy looked around her.  She was no longer sure from which direction she’d come and so didn’t know where her path out lay.  Really, she was now doubtful that her straight line route had been quite as straight a line as she’d hoped. 
She cleared her throat gently.
“As you have such a good view, being a creature of the air after all, I wonder if you might be able to tell me which way is out?”
The caterpillar rolled his eyes unsympathetically.  “All directions lead out.  It just depends where you want to be.”  
“Do they?” she wondered.  “How curious.  Well I’d really like to be out where I came in, if that’s possible.”
“Of course it’s possible.  Just tell me where you came in and I’ll point you the right way.” 
Amy pondered.  She didn’t really know where she’d entered the woods, it was just where she’d happened to be at the time.  Surely if she knew where it was, she could find it herself?
“Thank you for your help,” she said politely, “I think it might be best for me to just go backwards until I reach the point where I started from.”
“Yes, it might”, the caterpillar agreed and disappeared up his thread into the foliage.
Alone again, Amy looked around.  She turned one way, then another.  All directions seemed equally familiar and likely. 
Then the idea occurred to her.  Of course she wouldn’t recognise where she’d come from, it was all backwards now; she was coming from the other side! 
She laughed as she realised what she had to do.  If she was to recognise her route into the forest, she’d have to see it from the same direction.  It was obvious, she simply had to walk backwards to re-trace her footsteps!
Turning her face towards the deeper woodland, Amy tentatively put her best foot back.  Yes, she was sure she’d noticed that particular arrangement of branch and leaves on her forward journey.
Encouraged she continued, slowly and carefully, on her way.
Suddenly, just when Amy was beginning to wonder if she was actually going anywhere at all and whether all leaves and branches really did look rather similar, she felt something move against her ankle.  She shuddered, then froze, hoping that whatever it was would go away without eating her. 
Whatever-it-was wove between her legs and then, giving a little rumbling noise, rubbed against her ankle again. 
“Hello, Amy, why don’t you stroke me,” purred whatever-it-was.  “And what are you doing here anyway?  Little girls don’t belong in forests.”
“Dinah!” cried a delighted Amy.  “You’re here, I knew you would be!  Do you know which way is out?”
“Well, it all depends on which “out” you want.  After all, if you continue long enough, all directions lead out.”
“Even backwards?” Amy asked while silently wondering if Dinah might also have befriended a green caterpillar.
Ten minutes later, Amy and Dinah were dandling their feet in the cool, shallow water at the edge of the lake, when a familiar voice called “Amy, Amy, where are you!”
“Alice!” cried Amy in delight.  “I’m here, by the lake, with Dinah!”
Alice ran through the meadow and, flinging her book to the ground, threw her arms around her little sister.  “Where have you been, I’ve been so worried?”
“Well, I fell down a hugely big rabbit hole and …”
“Oh really, Amy, don’t be so ridiculous” scoffed Alice.  “There could never be a rabbit hole big enough for a person, even a small one like you, to fall down.  You’ve just been asleep somewhere haven’t you!  And, oh my goodness, you do look a fright!”

Well done, Sarah! Keep writing, everybody. Heather.
 
 

Wednesday, 11 June 2014

RIDICULOUS RESULTS!

The results are in...

Sue Johnson and I have waded through all the entries, decided on a shortlist and re-read those... It was difficult to choose between the top ones and we had to get picky, but in the end, after copious cups of tea and several packets of biscuits, we came to a decision.


1st.   A Night To Remember, by Keith Gillison


Many congratulations, Keith!


2nd.  The Meeting, by Margaret Evans


3rd.   Untitled, by Sarah Williams


Two runners-up prizes of Sue Johnson's Creative Alchemy go to Calvin Hedley and Brianne Hall.


Congratulations to all the prize winners and well done to all who entered. Give yourselves a pat on the back for trying! We hope to run another competition later in the summer, so watch this space!


Keep on reading, as below is the winning entry, A Night To Remember.




Keep Writing!


Heather





A night to remember


She did not need a looking glass to know she must look a fright. Nevertheless Judy couldn’t resist having another peek at the abomination on top of her head. It was her sister’s fault. Always going on about Karen and how well she was doing at Hairdressing College.
What had she been thinking? Here she was just a few hours away from a first date with Mike and she looked like she’d just cut her own hair blindfolded with a pair of rusty shears. She only agreed to it to save money. The bills were piling up, the car was in dire need of a service and Charlie was eating her out of house and home. The sooner he finished his A-Levels and got a job the better.
What could she do about tonight? Cancelling wasn’t an option. It had taken months of bugging her friend Carol to fix her up with Mike. A large hat perhaps? An excellent idea if she actually owned any hats. Judy frowned in thought. An idea presented itself. She picked up the phone and dialled Mike’s number.
Judy checked her make-up in the rear-view mirror and adjusted her hair. It was obviously a wig but it still looked better than what was underneath. A mop head would have been an improvement on her real hair. Mike hadn’t been thrilled at her proposed change of plans for the evening. He was a quiet dinner kind of guy. Attending a party full of strangers wearing fancy dress for a first date was the exact opposite of the kind of guy he was. Reluctantly he agreed to meet Judy at the party, on the proviso he could wear his uniform.
The car chugged into life as Judy turned the key in the ignition.
Just get me there you rust bucket.’
The party was on the other side of town. Judy’s plan was to leave the car there and get the train back the next day to pick it up. At least that was plan B. Plan A involved Mike being so overcome with lust they ended up back at his place. Her outfit was chosen with the express aim of seeing plan A reach a successful conclusion.
It was about two miles into the journey when things started to go wrong. As the car was passing the notorious Treadwell Estate Judy noticed the lights on the dashboard started to dim. A few seconds later the engine joined in on the act and the car crawled to a standstill at the side of the road. Just for the sake of pointlessly going through the motions she turned the key in the ignition. Nothing. It was deader than progressive rock.
Judy picked up her mobile phone and dialled a taxi firm. At least that’s what she would have done if her phone was actually receiving a signal. With as much fury as she could muster she slammed the car door shut and stormed off down the road, angrily holding her phone in the air. She stopped to consider her options. A pay phone, that’s what she needed. They used to be quite popular years ago. A quick glance around revealed a possible location for such an old-fangled device.
On the opposite side of the road was a pub. Judy crossed the road and glanced up at the pub sign before entering. The Whippet’s Ankle. An estate pub. She took a deep breath, pushed the pub door open and marched towards the bar. She was halfway there before her brain finished interpreting the information her eyes were attempting to relay to it with a strong sense of urgency.
Excuse me love,’ said the landlord, ‘we’re not open to the public tonight. Private party.’
Wahey,’ shouted a man dressed as Superman. ‘The stripper’s here.’
Judy quickly scanned the interior of the pub. It contained a pool table, a jukebox, a number of tables and chairs and about thirty men dressed as superheroes drinking lager. Then she caught sight of her reflection in the mirror behind the bar. In her rage against the ineptitude of her technological possessions to perform their basic functions, Judy had completely forgotten that she was dressed as Wonder Woman.
Deciding this wasn’t an ideal place to spend any time at all; Judy turned and walked towards the exit. It was blocked by a combination of The Incredible Hulk and Captain Marvel.
Now then lads, play nice. Anyone touches the lady and you’ll have me to deal with,’ shouted the landlord.
As if to strengthen his point the landlord reached behind the bar and retrieved a baseball bat decorated with numerous bloody nails. The occupants of the Whippet’s Ankle realised that despite being dressed as superheroes they were in fact not in possession of any powers that could outwit a baseball bat.
Sorry about them,’ said Spiderman, as he stepped forward with his hand outstretched to greet Judy. ‘We’re having a stag do for Brian over there,’ he said pointing at Batman. ‘I'm Daniel, the best man. What’s your name love?’
Judy.’
What’s with the outfit?’
Judy explained about her date with Mike, the bad haircut, the car breaking down and her mobile refusing to work.
Yeah, it’s a nightmare round here if you’re not on the right network. There’s a phone out back you can use to call a cab.’
Judy sighed with relief.
Thanks,’ she said to Daniel. ‘I was worried there for a minute.’
Daniel removed his mask and smiled warmly.
We’re a harmless bunch really. I’m actually a solicitor. I’m staying sober tonight to keep this lot in order. Would you like to join us for a drink before your taxi arrives?’
Judy smiled back at Daniel.
Well, maybe just a quick one,’ she said, looking at her watch.
What’s your poison?’
Quadruple gin,’ replied Judy. ‘Just to take the edge off.’


An hour and three quadruple gins later, Judy decided that perhaps it was now time to call a cab. She’d thrashed Thor and Captain America at pool, beaten The Incredible Hulk in an arm wrestle and had started a conga that was still in full flow.
One quick piggy back race and I’ll be on my way. You,’ she slurred loudly at Flash Gordon, ‘get Batman and Robin and meet me in the beer garden.’
The superheroes lined the perimeter of the beer garden, raucously cheering encouragement and obscenities at the competitors.
On your marks. Get set. Go,’ shouted Wolverine.
Batman and Robin stormed into the lead and were almost across the winning line when a combination of the fresh air and a full days drinking caught up with Batman’s central nervous system. He staggered backwards, lurched into Judy astride Flash Gordon’s shoulders and the four of them came crashing to earth. Judy landed on her head. She was out cold.
Is she dead?’ asked Thor. ‘Can I give her the kiss of life?’
Groggily, Judy opened her eyes, sat up and looked around.
Where am I?’


It was two hours of checks and scans in A&E before Judy was given the all-clear. As a head injury victim she was given the highest priority. Daniel drove her to the hospital and waited patiently for the news.
Plenty of rest and her memory should return soon. Bring her back in a few days if there’s no improvement,’ was the consultant’s verdict.
Daniel had just escorted Judy out of the ward when her phone rang. The name Charlie appeared on the screen.
Mum, it’s me. I’m in trouble. I went to this student party and, well, I’ve been arrested for impersonating a police officer.’


Sergeant Peterson walked purposefully towards the interview room. Another Saturday night, another hilarious student jape. He was supposed to be enjoying a quiet dinner in a nice restaurant with an attractive lady. Instead, his date had cancelled his dinner, invited him to a fancy dress party and then stood him up. He was actually relieved to get the call to come to the station at once. A group of drunks dressed as superheroes had started a riot in town. On his way to the station he had no choice but to arrest an inebriated student in police uniform who thought it was a good idea to stand in the middle of a busy junction and direct traffic whilst performing the dance moves to the song YMCA.
             Peterson entered the interview room and sat down. After a few seconds he pinched himself a couple of times to check he wasn’t hallucinating. This confirmed that he really was sat across a desk from Spiderman, a bedraggled looking Wonder Woman, and a swaying teenager dressed as a policeman.
I’m the boy’s lawyer,’ said Spiderman, ‘and this is his mother.’
Peterson leaned forward and stared in concentration at Wonder Woman.
What the blazes?’ he bellowed, suddenly recognising her.
Judy stared back at Mike, a confused look on her face.
Have we met before?’ she asked. ‘You look awfully familiar.’


Saturday, 7 June 2014

'Ridiculous' Story Competition

Thank you...

...for the huge amount of interest in the short story competition commemorating the release of A Sense of the Ridiculous and to those who sent in the amazing entries.


...and for waiting patiently!


Sue Johnson and I are currently reading and considering all the submissions and we will announce the results as soon as we can.


In the meantime...

Here is a short story of 1000 words I have written starting with the same sentence. I hope it demonstrates the sort of things a judge is looking for - imagery, humour and sensory detail. I hope you enjoy reading it!


Stable Mates


She did not need a looking glass to know she must look a fright. Joanne sighed and pulled off her kingfisher-blue poke bonnet before flopping down on the arbour's marble seat. The milky stone struck cold through her white muslin gown although the day was warm. She had signed on as an extra for the newest version of Pride and Prejudice, being filmed at nearby Heathway Hall, hoping for a glimpse of the stars Colin Fernyhough and Jennifer Healey. So far she had spent hours baking in the July sun while the director and camera crew had lined up shots of the park and house; gained blisters from tramping across a field in the wake of Ms Healey's understudy and been further desiccated by a repetitive ride in an open carriage up the sweeping drive. She was pooped, her hair must look as though blackbirds had nested in it and not a sniff of an autograph.


She sighed again and plucked dispiritedly at the deep turquoise ribbon at her waist. Her great plan had gone to pot. She had hoped to net one or two signatures to raffle at the Riding Club auction for the equine charity StableMates. Swiping the back of her hand across her damp forehead, she inhaled deeply, catching the summertime scents of mown grass and honeysuckle. Behind her an insect buzzed a desultory refrain and in the distance she heard the staccato crackle of a loud-hailer.


Back to it, she thought. It hadn't been much of a lunch break and they had started at 8am. She leaned forward, preparing to stand, when there was a squeal, accompanied by crashing and shouting. Rapid hoof beats drummed the hard ground. Seconds later, a handsome bay colt emerged between two enormous rhododendrons, a well-chewed rope dangling from his leather head collar. His momentum checked as he spotted Joanne; snorting, he swung to face her.

Her movements deliberate and speaking softly, she rose. "Hello, boy. What have you been up to? Sorry, I haven't got any mints. No pockets, look!"

The horse blew through his nose as though he understood. Joanne tentatively reached out her hand. The colt backed away a step but didn't appear frightened. She edged nearer; he retreated again. Whistles and calls floated over the yew hedge bordering the shrubbery.

"Wickham!"
"Where the hell has he got to?"

"Wickham? Is that your name?" Joanne questioned the visitor.

His attention was on the voices; his skin quivered where a fly landed. A sheen of sweat highlighted his fine coat. Taking her chance, Jo stretched for the dangling rope. As her fingers closed around the sodden twist of multi-coloured fibres, a designer-stubbled man in jeans and a teenage girl with a long blonde pony-tail pushed through the gap made by the colt. Taking flight, the animal sidestepped Joanne and shot down the path leading to the lake. She was hardly dressed for restraining half a ton of horseflesh, but despite her skimpy Regency slippers skidding on the gravel, instinct made Jo dig in her heels and hang on to its head. Dragged through another yew hedge, her hair now billowing in walnut-coloured hanks about her face, she managed to capture the horse's nose and squeeze the upper lip.


The colt tried to evade her grip, but as the released endorphins worked their magic, heaved a sigh and came to a halt some yards from the landscaped mirror of water.

"Good boy," she murmured, gasping for breath but keeping a firm grip on rope and nose.

"Miss Eliza Bennet, I presume." The young man with the stubble, also panting, had slowed to a walk and approached with the easy gait of the horseman. He winked and grinned disarmingly. "You crafty bugger, Wickham," he crooned, holding out some feed. "I'll find a knot you can't undo if it kills me!" The horse whiffled and took the offering as gently as a bird. "Darcy Williams," he said in the same coaxing tone. "Call me Fitz. I owe you one. This guy's one talented performer, but he's too clever for his own good. He could've caused mayhem and got me sued into the bargain!" In seeming afterthought, he added, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine... Thank you. Are the horses in the film yours?"

"No." He stroked the colt's neck and fondled its ears. "Only this one. I'm hoping EquinePerformers will buy him. You an actress?"

"No." She smiled as she mimicked his short reply. "An extra."
"You know horses, though?"

"I have two. Nowhere near his quality, but I love them."

"Fancy a career in films?"

"Not likely!" She grimaced. "I only did this to get autographs for a charity auction."

"The big-wigs will all be here on Friday. You'll catch them then."

"Oh, typical! I'm only here today."

"That's a pity. Well, I'd better be getting back. Thanks again... er..."

"Joanne."

"See you around." Giving her a thumb's-up, he led the horse back to where Blonde Pony-tail was waiting, feed bucket in hand.


Later that evening, as Joanne was tiredly climbing into her Fiesta, she was astonished to be accosted by the harassed-looking recruitment manager.

"I've got something for you," she said, handing over a folded note.

"What...?" Jo began to ask, but the woman had gone.

Inside the stationery was taped a key, a car registration number and the words, 'Sell the item on the back seat at your auction,' scrawled beside it.


When she eventually located an ancient tan Discovery, she nearly fainted. On the grubby leatherette seat, wrapped in a white sheet, lay an ornate mirror. Tucked in the frame was a business card: Darcy 'Fitz' Williams, Equine Training with Sense and Sensibility and across the glass, in flowing script, the signature 'Darcy'. A yellow sticky note proclaimed, 'Dinner tonight?'


Joanne reached for her mobile phone and keyed in a message. "To Mr Darcy, Miss Elizabeth Bennet would like to express her sincere gratitude for your benevolence. Please also be advised of her Persuasion to accept your kind invitation."



© Heather King













Wednesday, 21 May 2014

Meet My Main Character


This is the first time I have been involved in a Blog Hop, so a warm welcome to all visitors! My thanks to the wonderful Jen Black for tagging me.
 

1. What is the name of your character? Is he/she fictional or an historic person?

My heroine is Jocasta Stanyon, the daughter of bluff squire Sir Thomas Stanyon. She is entirely fictional, but her personality has echoes of other characters, both real and imaginary.



2. When and where is the story set?

A Sense of the Ridiculous is set during the extended Regency era, in 1817. The story takes place in the beautiful countryside surrounding the city of York in the glorious county of Yorkshire.


3. What should we know about him/her?

Having lost her mother when still a child, Jocasta has had an unconventional upbringing, running semi-wild with her brother and his friends. She loves dogs and horses, is an excellent rider and is sometimes impetuous, which leads her into scrapes. She tries hard to be good, but at times is impatient of some of the restrictions placed upon her now she is a young lady. She is also frustrated by the dull gentlemen in the locality, one of whom she must endure as the suitor favoured by her father.


4. What is the main conflict? What messes up his/her life?

Annoyed by the severe and unjust dressing-down she receives from her aunt for a minor indiscretion, Jocasta rebels... and plunges headlong into another world, where she must battle with her conscience. Then, having found her kindred spirit in innkeeper Richard Cowley, she is furious with her brother Harry when he precipitates her return and distraught when her father commands her to forget Richard.


5. What is the personal goal of the character?

Her father wishes her to marry their neighbour, Lord Edward Rufforth, an alliance which will join the two estates and thus increase the family's importance and wealth. Jocasta longs for someone with whom she can share her lively sense of the ridiculous.


6. Is there a working title for this novel and can we read more about it?



                                        



There are some excerpts of the novel further down this Blog. A Sense of the Ridiculous is currently in E-book format and published by Musa Publishing at www.musapublishing.com and is also available from:


Amazon
All Romance Books
Barnes & Noble
Bookstrand
Goodreads
Google Books
Rainbow
Smashwords




I am honoured to be able to pass the baton to Sue Johnson for the next leg of this journey. Catch up with her at http://writer's-toolkit.co.uk . I hope you have enjoyed meeting Jocasta and thank you for joining me.


Heather


Friday, 9 May 2014

The Age of Gluttony

Regency Repasts

The Georgian era is famous or infamous ‒ for excess and nowhere is this more apparent than in the dining room. It was the Georgians who instituted the large dining table which remained in the dining room. Previously, folding tables had been brought in by servants, dining taking place in small groups with chairs set according to the number of diners. The affluent dined lavishly, with meals based around meat, while the poor rarely, if ever, enjoyed flesh or fowl, relying on cheese for the meagre protein in their diet. It was during the eighteenth century that cheese, for so long a locally-produced commodity, was transported to the towns and sold under the names of the places they originated, i.e. Cheddar, Gloucester, Cheshire, Stilton, Wensleydale et al. For the first time, the sale of cheese became a lucrative source of income for the farmers.

Milk was also sold in the towns, carried by carter from nearby farms, but without the benefit of modern refrigeration, it must have been rarely in summer that it was not sour. This, however, must have been preferable during the eighteenth century to that produced by town-kept cows. These unfortunate animals were kept in such dreadful conditions ‒ in filthy, dark and overcrowded byres ‒ that their milk was far from being the healthy food we are accustomed to today. By the Regency, this situation was somewhat improved as standards of hygiene improved, particularly in the country. In London, cows were a familiar sight to the populace as they grazed in St James’s Park (as well as several others) under the watchful eyes of their milkmaids or herdsmen, who would then hawk it through the streets in buckets suspended from a wooden yoke supported across the shoulders.

Eggs and butter were also brought daily to the capital, the finest being transported by sea from Yorkshire and East Anglia. Fish was also fetched upriver from the various landing sites. Vegetables were grown in the market gardens which lay a few miles beyond the city limits and sold at the markets or via barrows pushed around the streets. The servants of the Quality sought out the best produce at Covent Garden, which was also famous for its wide array of dairy products and fruit, while hawkers of such wares as potted eels, sausages, pasties, savoury baked pies and gingerbread strolled the precincts selling directly from trays balanced on their heads or around their necks. Many readers will be familiar with the names of other famous London markets, too.

Billingsgate was renowned as the largest fish market and of course Smithfield was the destination of the drover-driven herds of cattle and sheep, which were either slaughtered on site or sold to local butchers. Those streets called The Shambles in so many towns were thusly designated from the row of butchers’ shops and their slaughterhouses ‘out back’. Leadenhall market was originally a market for meat, poultry and game; milk, leather and cloth; tools and kitchen pans. After the Great Fire in 1666, it was divided into the Beef Yard, Green Yard and Herb market. Poultry was vended ‘on the toe’, which led to one singular character known as Old Tom. Tom was a gander which escaped his fate with 34,000 other geese and became a local celebrity. He was even fed at various inns in the locality. When he died, aged 38, in 1835, he was first laid in state before being buried at the market. The Fleet existed from 1736 to 1829 and was a general market where carcasses and cuts of meat changed hands, with an open air vegetable market at one end. It was moved to Farringdon in 1829 when the road was widened and became solely for fruit and vegetables. Newgate dated from before the Great Fire and was sited in Newgate Street, also selling butchered meat. By the 1840s, ‘pigs from the country’ were sold here, as well as ‘hog meat, game, fresh butter and eggs &c.’. The markets seethed with all manner of specimens, both human and bestial. They were dirty and noisy; alive with a myriad smells, many of them unpleasant. Rotten vegetables and fruit, squashed underfoot; the reek of fish; the blood, gore, offal and the stench of death of the cattle market. No wonder those who could afford to do so sent their servants!

Through most of the eighteenth century, breakfast (at least for the more well-to-do) had been partaken of at about ten o’clock, being a light repast of hot buttered bread or toast, perhaps with cheese and washed down with chocolate, coffee, tea or ale. It could last an hour or more if friends paid a visit. In the grander houses it might even be laid out as a buffet for those returning from a morning ride or a visit to the park or library. Those who dwelled in the country and those who worked for a living broke their fast at a somewhat earlier hour. By the turn of the nineteenth century a more substantial meal became the norm, with eggs, fish and meat being added to the menu. The hour of service crept forward too, leading to the necessity of a midday snack or nuncheon (literal meaning ‘noon drink’) which became confused with luncheon. Lunch was and is always eaten in the middle of the day, whereas a nuncheon might be taken at any time. To further add to the confusion, the poorer sections of society still ate their dinner around noon, as their working day began so early. They might then, as their forebears had for centuries, eat a supper of cold pie, meat or bread with a chunk of cheese before retiring.

A substantial lunch, such as Maria Edgeworth enjoyed when visiting Sir Walter Scott in July 1823, consisted of such dishes as cold roast chicken, ham, pickled salmon and ‘a cold boiled round’. A second course was hot and included poached eggs, toast, green vegetables, potatoes and trout, as well as ‘custard pudding, a goose berry tart and plenty of Highland cream’.

In contrast to the less privileged, dinner for the middle and upper classes was gradually served later and later as the eighteenth century progressed. A country family with social aspirations might come to table at two or even three o’clock ‒ it was noted by Richard Steel before1729 as being the latter ‒ and it was four o’clock by 1740. By 1779 the Rector of Aston, near Birmingham, entertained Catherine Hutton and the ladies withdrew at five o’clock, with the tea tray being called for at six when the gentlemen rejoined them. In 1789, Horace Walpole wrote that he was ‘so antiquated’ he still preferred to dine at four, but by the 1790s, seven seemed to be the fashionable hour. This was of course open to individual interpretation, depending on whether town or country hours were being kept. By the turn of the nineteenth century, when in town one might dine as late as eight or nine o’clock; in the country, perhaps five or six.

It was usual in fashionable houses to serve three courses for dinner. The first course was soup (if on the menu) with various mixed ‘removes’ (dishes replacing those that have been removed) which may have included fish, meat and game. The second course centred around meat such as beef, pork, mutton, poultry and game birds such as grouse, partridge and pheasant. Included in this course would have been sauces, vegetables and savoury dishes like pies and omelettes. The discovery that eating fresh greens and fruit could prevent scurvy had led to more people eating them by the Regency. Ingenious gravy boats gained in popularity, the Argyle having a concealed hot water chamber to prevent fat congealing on the surface of the gravy by keeping it warm.

According to Georgette Heyer in False Colours, a ‘small’ dinner might include, for its second course, cauliflower, peas, asparagus, French beans, a goose, a lobster and a basket of pastries, plus side dishes of a haunch of venison and a braised ham. A cold joint of roast beef was often on the sideboard in case of need, while such items as pickles and oat cakes stayed on table for the duration of the meal. The third, sweet course consisted of jellies, creams, ices, pastries, sweetmeats, cheese, fruit and nuts. Naturally, wine flowed throughout the meal and guests generally served themselves from those dishes closest to them, although footmen were on hand in grander establishments to fetch anything required which was not within reach.

Informal behaviour was sweeping in by the close of the eighteenth century and was remarked upon with disfavour by various foreign visitors, not least the Duc de la Rochefoucauld when he visited England in 1784. However, the formality of gathering fifteen minutes before dinner was still adhered to, as was the practice of the highest-ranked gentleman escorting the highest-ranked lady other than his immediate family and thus onwards through the company in order of precedence. During the first years of the eighteenth century, men sat at one end, the women at the other, but by the Regency it was customary for the sexes to alternate around the table.

A Table Setting

In aristocratic households, the butler, cook and housekeeper had the ordering of such practicalities as the laying of table and the placement of dishes, although the mistress was consulted with regard to menus. For the lady of aspirations but more humble standing or origins, there were many books available on the subjects of cookery and housekeeping, included therein diagrams of table setting. Soup tureens were set at the corners of the table and other dishes aligned along the sides in-between, hence the term ‘side dishes’. This was service à la française, which made a grand statement but had considerable drawbacks, not least that food quickly cooled. Renowned French chef Marie-Antoine Carême, who wrote L’Art de la Cuisine Française among other cook books, commanded a huge wage during his brief tenure as the Prince Regent’s chef de cuisine about the end of 1816. Carême hated everything about England, but although he was responsible for a grand banquet at The Royal Pavilion in Brighton, held on 15 January 1817 ‒ which boasted thirty-six entrées in a list of several dozen dishes across nine courses⃰ ‒ he could well have been instrumental in the adoption of the sequential system of service à la russe, which is familiar to the modern eye. In other words, soup, fish, meat and sweet courses, clearly defined as such, came to table one after the other. As Carême had once worked for the Russian tsar, it seems likely that he was the architect of an innovation which gradually became adopted throughout the British Isles.
      * Displayed in The Prince of Pleasure and His Regency JB Priestley
The tea tray was called for when the gentlemen rejoined the ladies following their communion over the port and brandy; this consisted of not just tea, but coffee and cakes besides. Nevertheless, by around ten to eleven pm, the assembled were glad to indulge in a light supper. For a mere family occasion, this would consist of fruit, cold meats and wine. If guests were in attendance, however, hot food was often provided and side dishes such as ‘boiled soals’ or a goose pie. A sweet dish would be there too, a typical example being a confection of cream, eggs and sugar, flavoured with hartshorn, canary and orange-flower water and set in a hedgehog-shaped mould. The spines were then added in the form of almonds and its eyes were currants. This was termed a ‘middle dish’ but could have been made into a ‘grand dessert’ with the addition of other elaborate shapes.


Dishes for Breakfast

Hot rolls and bread with butter. French bread. Toast. Bath cakes (also good for Afternoon tea). Plum cake, honey cake, pound cake. Cold meats, including beef and ham. Eggs. Herrings, smoked, baked or fried. (Kippers were not so called until Victorian times). Tea, chocolate, coffee, ale.


A Luncheon Menu

In 1755 Dr Johnson described luncheon ‘as much food as one’s hand can hold’. This is no better illustrated than in that staple of the modern age, the sandwich. Remarkably, the sandwich first appeared in 1762 when John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich, is said to have called for bread and meat, slapping the latter into the former so as to keep a hand free. Whether this was at his desk at the Admiralty or whilst playing cards in a gambling den, is lost to the annals of history, although apparently the first recording of ‘the sandwich’ occurred at the gaming table.

A cold collation of meats, bread and cheese. Cold fowl. Pickled herring or salmon. Potted mackerel, eels or shrimps. Eggs. Baked trout. Game pie. Salad vegetables such as lettuce, celery and asparagus. Jellies or creams. Batter pudding. Syllabub. Fruit tart.

Everlasting, or Solid, Syllabub

Mix a quart of thick raw cream, one pound of refined sugar, a pint and half of

fine raisin wine in a deep pan; put to it the grated peel and the juice of three

lemons. Beat, or whisk it one way half an hour ; then put it on a sieve with a bit

of thin muslin laid smooth in the shallow end till next day. Put it in glasses. It

will keep good, in a cool place, ten days.

                                                                     A New System of Domestic Cookery, Maria Rundell



Tea To Drink Or Eat?

Tea as a beverage was introduced to Britain by Charles II and his bride, the Infanta Catherine de Braganza of Portugal. It became so popular it replaced ale as the national drink, by 1750 having become the English number one choice. It was originally drunk after dinner, in the drawing room. Afternoon tea thought to have been started by Anna, Duchess of Bedford, in the early 1800s. She invited friends to Woburn Abbey at five o’clock for an afternoon meal which included bread and butter, sandwiches, various sweetmeats and small cakes. Continuing through the summer, the engagement proved so well-attended that on her return to Town she sent out cards for ‘tea and a walking the fields’. Meadows still abounded within London’s limits in those days. The idea took off, copied by other hostesses and thus ‘tea time’ was established.

Low or Afternoon tea was traditionally taken by the aristocracy at four o’clock before the fashionable hour for taking the air in Hyde Park. It consisted of sandwiches with the crusts removed, biscuits and cakes. High tea was more substantial and eaten by those lower down the social scale, at five to six pm. It was more like dinner with additional bread, scones and cake. Dishes included in a typical meal were as follows:

Two types of bread, brown and white. Currant teacakes. Salad. Salmon or mackerel. Roast pork. Stand pie. Pound cake and chocolate roll. Sponge and walnut cakes. Lemon-cheese tarts, jellies and trifle. Curd tart. Cheese board.

A Pound Cake.

Beat a pound of butter in an earthen pan with the hand one way till like a fine

thick cream. Then have ready twelve eggs; but leave out half the whites; beat

them well; then beat them up with the butter, a pound of flour beat in it, a pound

of sugar, and a few carraways. Beat all well together with the hand for an hour,

or beat it with a wooden spoon. Put all into a buttered pan, and bake it in a quick

oven for one hour.



The two meals were identified by the height of the tables from which they were eaten ‒ side or coffee table as opposed to the dining table. Originally, tea was drunk without milk and sweetened with imported Jamaican sugar. The first record of milk being added is reputed to have been by the Marquise de Seven in 1680. As the nineteenth century progressed, crumpets toasted before the fire on a toasting fork and scones became a popular addition.




The Dinner Menu

Soups and Sauces


Many sauces in the Regency are familiar today ‒ lemon, parsley, hollandaise, onion and bread as well as tomato sauce and gravy. Some were Continental, such as Sauce Italienne, Allemande, Espagnole and Flammande. You could have Queen Sauce, green sauce and egg sauce; fennel, anchovy, lobster, oyster, shrimp and crab; cucumber, tarragon and sorrel; ketchups, curry and pickles.

A long-lasting sauce for fish and fowl came from one of the most popular recipe books of the Georgian era and required twenty-four chopped anchovies, complete with bones. To these were added lemon, spices, a quart of white wine, horseradish, shallots and a pint of water. Two ‘spoon fulls’ of this mixture were added to a pound of melted butter to make an excellent sauce for fish or ‘a pretty sauce for fowl, veal &c’. The base sauce apparently kept for an entire year!


Soups ranged from simple mutton broth to Soup à la Reine and portable soup; white soup, Scotch barley broth and Soup au bourgeois; chestnut, partridge and hare; cow-heel, ox-cheek and plumb porridge for Christmas (shin beef); eel, oyster and crayfish; asparagus, turnip and rice; hop-top, egg and milk soups.



Fish and Shellfish


Tench, perch, herring, mackerel, pike, sturgeon, turbot, eel, carp, salt fish, sole, flounder, salmon, lobster, oysters, mussels, chars, lampreys, cod, skate, haddock, whiting.


Baked Salmon.

Cut a piece of salmon in slices of an inch thick, and make forcemeat as follows:

take some of the flesh of the salmon, and the same quantity of the meat of an eel,

with a few mushrooms. Season with pepper, salt, nutmeg, and cloves. Beat all

together till very fine. Boil the crumb of a halfpenny roll in milk, beat it with four

eggs till it be thick, then let it cool, and mix it. all together with four raw eggs.

Take the skin from the salmon, and lay the slices in a dish. Cover every slice with

forced meat, pour some melted butter over them, and add a few crumbs of bread.

Lay a crust round the dish, and stick oysters round it. Put it into an oven, and,

when it is of a fine brown, pour over it a little melted butter, with some red wine

boiled in it, and the juice of a lemon.



Meat and poultry

Pork, mutton, beef, venison, chicken, duck, veal, ham, bacon, brawn, lamb, turkey, goose, capon.



Devonshire Squab Pie.

Cover the dish with a good crust, and put at the bottom of it a layer of sliced

pippins,[apples] and then a layer of mutton steaks cut from the loin, well seasoned

with pepper and salt. Then put another layer of pippins, peel some onions, and

slice them thin, and put a layer of them over the apples. Then put a layer of mutton,

and then pippins and onions. Pour in a pint of water, close up the pie, and hake it.



Game

Hare, rabbit, pheasant, woodcock, partridge, bustard, pigeon, plover, guinea fowl, widgeon.



Roast Pigeon

Scald, draw, and take the craws clean out of your pigeons and wash them in

several waters. When you have dried them, roll a good lump of butter in chopped

parsley, and season it with pepper and salt. Put this into your pigeons, and spit,

dust, and baste them. A good fire will roast them in twenty minutes, and when they

are enough, serve them up with parsley and butter. See Sauces.



Pies

Savoury ‒ chicken, duck, pigeon, giblet, goose; calf’s head or foot, ham, veal, mutton; venison pasty, beef steak, ox cheek; game, hare, rabbit and partridge to eat hot, savoury patties made with beef suet and loin of veal; turbot, tench, trout, eel, carp, sole, herring, salmon, lobster and ‘muscle’.



Cheshire Pork Pie


Skin a loin of pork, and cut it into steaks. Season it with pepper, salt, and nutmeg,

and make a good crust. Put into the dish a layer of pork, then a layer of pippins

pared and cored, and sugar sufficient to sweeten it. Then place another layer of

pork, and put in half a pint of white wine. Then lay some butter on the top, and

close the pie.



Sweet ‒ apple pie or tart, codlin pie [a cooking apple with long, tapering shape], cherry, gooseberry, orange or lemon tart, Tart de Moi, as well as other fruits in season.



Tart de Moi.

Lay round the dish a puff paste, and then a layer of biscuit; then a layer of

butter and marrow, another of all sorts of sweetmeats, and thus proceed till the

dish is full : boil a quart of cream, and thicken it with four eggs, and put in a

spoonful of orange-flower water. Sweeten it with sugar to the palate, and pour

it over the whole. Half an hour will bake it.




Savoury Dishes

Omelette, Hashed beef or mutton savoury, veal, braised lamb with savoury jelly, pigeon or chicken in savoury jelly.



Hashed Beef or Mutton Savoury

Take some onions and cut into slices, put a piece of butter into a saucepan, and

then put in the onions, with two spoonfuls of good gravy ; let them stew for ten

minutes, taking care to keep them of a good yellow colour. Take off all the fat;

cut the beef or mutton into thin slices, and put it into the sauce with a spoonful

of walnut ketchup, four spoonfuls of port wine, salt, white pepper, and add a little

gravy a short time before serving up.



Welch Rabbit

Toast a slice of bread on both sides, and butter it. Toast a slice of Gloucester

cheese on one side and lay that next to the bread, and toast the other with a

salamander; rub mustard over and serve very hot.

                                                                  A New System of Domestic Cookery, Maria Rundell


Vegetables

Carrots, peas, cauliflower, cabbage, spinach, asparagus, celery, onions, lettuce, ‘beet-roots’, turnips, potatoes, French beans and leeks.



Broiled Mushrooms

Clean fresh mushrooms with a knife, wash and drain them: make a case with

a sheet of white paper ; rub the inside well with fresh butter, and fill it with the

mushrooms ; season them with white pepper arid salt ; put the case containing

them upon a baking plate of cast iron (in the country called a back-stone) over

a slow fire ; cover them with the cover of a stew pot, upon which place some fire,

and when nearly dry, serve them up, with some rich cullis.


Desserts and Puddings

Nuts, fruits, sweetmeats, jellies, creams, ice cream, trifle, syllabub; tarts (see above) and puddings. Many puddings we still use today, such as plum, bread, rice, orange, lemon and Eve’s Pudding. Some are less well-known now, perhaps, such as Oxford Pudding, custard, prune or damson, biscuit, almond and apricot. Others sound interesting, if not intriguing: Hunting Pudding, Duke of Buckingham’s Pudding, Duke of Cumberland’s Pudding, Hasty, Quaking and Transparent!



Hunting Pudding.

Mix eight eggs beat up fine with a pint of good cream, and a pound of flour. Beat

them well together, and put to them a pound of beef suet finely chopped, a pound

of currants well cleaned, half a pound of jar raisins stoned and chopped small, two

ounces of candied orange cut small, the same of candied citron, a quarter of a

pound of powdered sugar, and a large nutmeg grated. Mix all together with half a

gill of brandy, put it into a cloth, tie it up close, and boil it. four hours.



Floating Island [Trifle]

Mix three half pints of thin cream with a quarter of a pint of raisin wine, a little

lemon juice, orange flower-water, and sugar: put into a dish for the middle of the

table, and put on the cream a froth, as will be directed in page 195, which may

be made of raspberry or currant-jelly.

                                                              A New System of Domestic Cookery, Maria Rundell


Ratafia Cream

Boil three or four laurel, peach, or nectarine leaves, in a full pint of cream;

strain it; then when cold, add the yolks of three eggs beaten and strained, sugar,

and a large spoonful of brandy stirred quick into it. Scald till thick, stirring it all

the time.

Another way, — Mix half a quarter of a pint of ratafia.

                                                               A New System of Domestic Cookery, Maria Rundell



Unless otherwise stated, recipes come from The London Art of Cookery, John Farley, 1811.

Heather King